A major life decision....

[Ph1l2007]

I have been dealing with an issue in my life for some time now that is really important to me, and I wanted to get some help from anyone who is willing to listen to my personal story. I know it is a bit lengthy, but I think it is a topic some of you may be able to relate to and I would really appreciate any feedback you are willing to give.

 

 

 

 

I am getting ready to turn 20 years old, and I have hit at a point in my life where I feel like I have lost a lot of happiness in my life, and a sense of joy that I haven't been able to experience since I was younger. It is that kind of joy that we only see in kids these days when they play with their little toys, or jump about while listening to their favorite song over, and over, and over, and over again. It's like a blissful feeling that I suppose comes from enjoying certain things in life without the cares and concerns that are thrust upon you when you reach your teens and adult life.

 

Well, for many of us, one of these concerns is how we interact with and are perceived by the rest of the world. Personally, I developed this bad habit of being overly concerned with what people think of be. I have been a flat-out conformist in many respects - changing aspects of my behavior and lifestyle based on other people’s words and opinions – all because I want to be “liked” and “fit in” with everyone else. I felt like I really, TRULY enjoyed my life up until 6th grade when I started to be looked at as a "weirdo" for my…eccentric personality and interests. I mean, I was considered a "Nerd" in every sense of the word because I really enjoyed things like - needless to say - Star Wars, video games, fantasy books, and music. But I didn't just like those things, I really I got INTO them. They spurred my imagination. I could get lost daydreaming about the fantasy lands and characters I saw in games and read about in books. And music...I could spend hours listening and jamming to my favorite tunes and letting the emotion and atmosphere the music created take over my mind (In spite of the fact that a lot of my favorite tunes were from video game and cartoon soundtracks). I also never really had a “normal” taste in fashion. I was the kind of kid that would wear superhero outfits and costumes of my favorite movie characters as my day-to-day clothes if I got the chance. In fact, it was a dream of mine when I got older to be able to wear something truly fantastic - like a real-life Stormtrooper outfit - as my everyday apparel!

 

As I went into middle school, it turned out that I had “grown up” a little less quickly then my peers. As my friends from elementary school started to progress into the fads and the whole “quest for coolness” in their teenage years, I was still enjoying many of the same things I enjoyed in my childhood. Instead of hooking up with girls, going to parties, and blasting the latest rap hits, I continued to enjoy my Star Wars, anime, and eccentric soundtracks. But when I went into middle school, I became incredibly self-conscious as my unconventional personality and “childish” interests got me laughed at, looked at strangely, and ostracized in general. Now I know some kids in my position become content with their roles as “outsiders” and continue to live their lives for themselves. But wanting to keep the “friends” I hung out with in elementary school, I got out of Star Wars, anime, and even enjoying the music I loved and learned to act in a manner that would make me “cool” and popular.

 

Surprisingly, for the longest time - it worked. By observing the way most other kids were dressing, talking, and thinking, and fashioning my behavior after them, I gained the ability to effectively fit in and become “cool” with whomever I choose. I started wearing the latest fashions, listening to popular music, and started valuing things like sex and “hooking up” with girls – things that I was told was the “normal” thing for every teenager to be into. So when I went to High School I actually became one of the more popular kids. But this was all because I had learned to effectively follow the crowd and, frankly, be a conformist. Looking back, I know now that none of these people I was “cool” with were true “friends”, but at the time I felt like I had achieved something by not always being ostracized and laughed at. I thought being liked by people and fitting in with the times was the most important thing at this point in my life.

 

But as the years past, I went through some stressful and challenging times that really caused me to question what I was living for. Even though I was supposedly “cool” and popular, I wasn’t truly happy. By trying so hard to be cool and follow the times, I discovered that I had sacrificed the joy in my life. So now I am at a point where I am desperately trying to regain the happiness that I experienced in my youth when I wasn’t so concerned about what people thought of me. I want to get back to a point where sometimes, I just live my life for me and enjoy things like Star Wars, and comic books, and the music that made me happy (even if these things are considered “nerdy”). I don’t mean that in a selfish way, as I know I have responsibilities and moral commitments to my job, family, and community that require me to give of myself. But when I do have time for me, I want to really ENJOY myself again.

 

However, I have had a real challenge mentally allowing myself to let go of certain inhibitions. These are patterns of thinking that most people would consider “mainstream”, or normal and acceptable in our society. An example of such thinking is believing that it is absurd for a fully grown person to want to wear a Stormtrooper outfit their “clothes”. But this something that I actually have really wanted to do - not necessarily because it would entertain people, but simply because I like the way that the white armor looks on me! But my hesitance to let go of mainstream thinking is partly a result of my fear of becoming an “outsider” again. An outsider in the sense that the people I interact with on a daily basis (i.e. my coworkers, schoolmates, and family members) who have more mainstream tastes will not be able to relate to my interests and “different” personality (I know many people that wouldn’t understand why anyone would want to walk around in a plastic suit for fashion). In effect, I know that being myself will cause me to be somewhat isolated from certain people. But being so concerned about what other people think of me is a hurdle I really want to overcome, because I really do feel good when I am able to do the things I enjoy. Because of that I am prepared to accept a degree of isolation, if you all can help me answer this one pivotal question:

 

Do you think having joy and happiness in life worth giving up being “cool” and / or being able to relate to people who have more “mainstream” personalities and tastes? Do you think it is productive to take time to really enjoy yourself with things that perhaps only you would enjoy, even if it distances you from some people?

[nyoron]

When I got into high school I told myself i could care less what other people thought of me. I stayed with my random movie knowledge, obsession over anime, and etc. The people I hung out with people with similar interests. Heck, my friends are pestering me to finish my armor sooner, lol.

 

Yes, I got made fun of in high school for being a moive, especially SW, but I didnt really care. Hell, I got voted most likely to be abducted by aliens in the year book. So that was cool

 

I am really into anime, I mean a degree most people do not go into... I got made fun of that too, but hey i could care less.

 

So I am enjoying myself and too busy to care what others think.

[TN-TROOPER]

no need to try and "fit" in because if a person wants to be your friend they will like you for who you are and not what your "hobbies" are. if you change the way you are you will be lost and more unhappy than you are right now. only you yourself can bring happiness within yourself no others can do this, so just be yourself and everything will fall into order

[Smitty]

Its ok to act "normal" in order to slip under the radar and fit in. But its very important that you dont make yourself unhappy in the process. I didnt get intot he whole TK thing till I turned 30 and since then Ive been a whole lot happier. Since Ive gotten into this hobby Ive made all new friends that I dont have to "fit in" with. I get a little ribbing from co-workers about my hobby but it doesnt bother me because while I'm off having the time of my life at DragonCon they are just living their normal boring mundane lives.

 

In short: You have one life to live, treat yourself well and dont spend your life trying to make other people happy.

[Runnriottt]

Smitty, you must have been tyoing as I was... Rock on bro...

 

Go to a mirror and look at yourself. What you think of your self shows.

 

You are in transition man. We all go through it. Growing up is a fact of life and what you take from your childhood will always remain.

 

I am 32. I have 2 kids and a wife, have spent time in the Navy, (Conformity right there) and am now a full time Collage studant for the first time ever. I am known as the "Star Wars" guy to alot of people. Of course there are inside jokes I dont hear with people, and I dont really care. I enjoy giving back and I do it with plastic armor.

 

I dont know about regular clothes though... Armor hurts bro...

 

You just need some balance. Take some time and think about things, and find what your enjoy and live it. Self Esteem is a cool thing, its all in how you look at yourself.

 

You got to love yourself first. The shoes you are standing in are yours and no one elses. God made you you... be joyful of it.

 

I remember the freind shift after high school. I too was an outsider and had few freinds in those days. man to be 20 again.

 

You really dont know squat about life at 20. Its just a great ride. Enjoy it. Things will start to be clearer and clearer as time passes. I woke up 25. Thats when I truly started loving myself and who I am.

 

As far as being dorky... You have to find the balance. Extremes are never a good place to go. Its ok to daydream, Hell, I do. I love the star wars universe. Thinking about comics and stuff is cool, stay grounded in life though man. Star Wars is not real. Life is. Everyday is a blessing, and you are not given tommorow.

 

I am a god fearing man, and its with grace I am still here to write these words. (long story)

Ill borow a thought from a guy... It fits pretty good.

 

"It is often said that the hardest person to live with and love unconditionally is ourselves. Yet, I believe that just as we are attracted to things like (Star Wars), so God made us to be attracted to ourselves as well--and I am not talking about vain narcissism or arrogant pride. These are Satan's counterfeits for this truth of God. His ways breed envy and disdain for our fellow man. God's ways, however, release us to find joy in being just who He created us to be -- a unique reflection of His image. When this work is completed in us, we can truly rejoice at the marvelous things He has done in others without feeling the slightest twinge of envy, competition, or inferiority." Source of the quote

 

 

Then armor up and rock out with this in your heart...

 

 

Enjoy life. You only get one.

[foggy[TK]]

Ah, young one ... you are maturing.

 

To fit in is to be a member of a herd or flock. Anyone can be part of a herd. The price you pay is your individuality.

 

To be an individual is to stand out. It is to have the herd or flock turn its back on you because you are different. If I recall correctly, the Japanese have a saying about the nail which sticks up gets hammered down. I say it gets hammered down only if you can find and catch it.

 

Remember, the great thinkers of the world were not part of any herd, whether they were religious leaders (Buddah) or politicians (Gandhi). Those of the herd remain anonymous and safe in their anonymity.

 

Everyone hits this fork in the road as they mature. The question you need to answer is what do you want for yourself out of life? Do you want to be in control or have others control you? When you answer that, then you will take the road which fits you.

 

From a Star Wars perspective, George Lucas is an individual. He has not allowed Hollywood to dictate his reality. When you look at the terms under which he created the business side of Star Wars, he was so far out of the flock, he was another creature. Now the flock comes to him.

 

Be you. Be content. Do no harm to others. Those who love you for who you are will continue to do so. They will simply worry about you. That's a good thing ... Worry makes you feel alive.

 

See what happens when you get old? You become a philosopher.

[Runnriottt]

See what happens when you get old? You become a philosopher.

 

 

For you have lived it...

[cr4nky]

Ah, young one ... you are maturing.

 

To fit in is to be a member of a herd or flock. Anyone can be part of a herd. The price you pay is your individuality.

 

To be an individual is to stand out. It is to have the herd or flock turn its back on you because you are different. If I recall correctly, the Japanese have a saying about the nail which sticks up gets hammered down. I say it gets hammered down only if you can find and catch it.

 

Remember, the great thinkers of the world were not part of any herd, whether they were religious leaders (Buddah) or politicians (Gandhi). Those of the herd remain anonymous and safe in their anonymity.

 

Everyone hits this fork in the road as they mature. The question you need to answer is what do you want for yourself out of life? Do you want to be in control or have others control you? When you answer that, then you will take the road which fits you.

 

From a Star Wars perspective, George Lucas is an individual. He has not allowed Hollywood to dictate his reality. When you look at the terms under which he created the business side of Star Wars, he was so far out of the flock, he was another creature. Now the flock comes to him.

 

Be you. Be content. Do no harm to others. Those who love you for who you are will continue to do so. They will simply worry about you. That's a good thing ... Worry makes you feel alive.

 

See what happens when you get old? You become a philosopher.

 

Well said! I second that.

[Lizzeh]

I never got dragged into the mainstream and "cool" things when I was growing up. Generally, I didn't like them so I didn't pay attention to them. It didn't make me lots of friends, but I didn't want to be friends with people who judge others like that anyway. The friends I made are real friends and close friends, awesome people with real passion for life and their hobbies.

[TK8280]

Its ok to act "normal" in order to slip under the radar and fit in. But its very important that you dont make yourself unhappy in the process. I didnt get intot he whole TK thing till I turned 30 and since then Ive been a whole lot happier. Since Ive gotten into this hobby Ive made all new friends that I dont have to "fit in" with. I get a little ribbing from co-workers about my hobby but it doesnt bother me because while I'm off having the time of my life at DragonCon they are just living their normal boring mundane lives.

 

In short: You have one life to live, treat yourself well and dont spend your life trying to make other people happy.

 

I couldn't have said it better myself!

[Guest TK-2416]

I think it has something to do with the age.. When you are young you are not that self secure (?) - you really want to be accepted by the herd.. Everything must be correct.. Thats a part of our culture... I guess.. If you start being one of the smart guys - who sets the agenda.. then slowly add some of this "nerdy" hobby to your style.. e.g. Charity is cool or what ever... Then you could probably start a trend??!!!

 

I am 34 years old - 3 kids.. Director in a consultancy company - wear suits and shirts and ties... Quite good looking and outgoing.. I am proud when I tell about this passion and the charity work.. It adds an interesting thing to my personality.. Not just a plain and borring business man.. It is a twist and people tend to be a bit fascinated by it... Just stand tall and proud like this is the obviously something everybody should take part in.. If you show that you are a bit embarrased about it - then you will be an easy target.. If you are cool about it - then you are untouchable!

 

Furthermore I think it is a question about finding a balance... Dont over do it.. You need still to have a "normal" identity/style and then have the SW side, which you stepwise introduce in your ordinary personal life.. But like everything else in life - find a balance...

 

Personally I dont give much about other people's thoughts.. I have some wonderfull kids, good friends and family, good health, quite good looking and a good carreer.. Dont need to defend my hobby - I am cool as I am... "If you dont like me - well then thats your problem - move along move along"...

[Ph1l2007]

Thanks everyone, I appreciate all of your comments. I know it was a lot to read but each one of your responses is giving me something to think about.

[Laspector[TK]]

I was the same exact way as a kid and in High school. It wasn't until I got into college and became an Art major that I found out there were a LOT of people weirder than me.

[john danter]

Dude you'll find the more unique you are, the more interesting you'll become to other people. Plain and simple.

 

Those that challenge you are probably too scared to be different and fit in cos it's easy to do. Just follow the trends right?

No! Stuff that.

 

Most people want to fit in with the 'norm' as it's easier. It's more difficult and far braver to do your own thing and be unique!

 

As you get older, chicks dig 'odd' blokes. Or at least the girls and friend who do take a shine to you will be more open minded and interesting than most.

Most people who follow the norm will be shallow people who won't have much interesting to talk about except things like 'Britany's party antics' or the latest girl/boy pop band.

 

Appropriate behaviour is a great thing, but that's for the moment and how you address people etc in order to get by and fit in.

But odd has it's limits. Keep your feet on the ground and you'll be ok.

 

What goes on in your head, what drives you and what passion flows through your veins, is just for you. No one else

 

Don't be a sheep my friend.

[Daetrin[Admin]]

Be who you are and like yourself. That's the #1 thing. You will never be happy being someone who you aren't. Listen to us old folks (I'm 40) - we've all made the mistake of trying to please others ahead of being who we are, and it never works in the long run.

 

The real key is just figuring out who you are and what you want. Sure, I'd love to have 10 costumes but I love having my kids in first class daycare more than I love having 10 costumes, so I get by with what I can and don't sweat the rest.

 

Life is far too short to have regrets. May seem that 40 is forever and away, but looking from my perspective it goes by in a blink.

[Murray1134[501st]]

I just have to echo what everyone else has been saying here. I was made fun of in middle school and High School, never really fitting in. I tried to hide parts of myself to fit in with those around me. I have found that in the last few years after moving to the other side of the country, away from everything and everyone I ever knew that I only had myself, so I've really gotten quite selfish, in a good way. You do need to focus on yourself and make sure you are happy with you. You will never be truly happy with yourself, or in any kind of happy relationship, if you are not true to yourself.

 

If you are feeling alone and that no one else thinks like you do. Just remember these facts.. Comic-Con attendance is over 125,000 every year, the last 3 SW Celebrations have had over 30,000 people in attendance and that's on 3 different continents. 501st and Rebel Legion membership is close to 6,000 worldwide.

[Jello[501st]]

Just be yourself. That's the most important thing. If people can't accept you for who you are, if they force you to change to fit their expectations, then you're better off without those type of ppl in your life. I was like you once upon a time; always trying to fit in and so on. Not a real happy time, as I'm sure you know. But once I found a circle of friends who accepted one another w/ out any hesitation, life got a lot better. In short, it's better to make you happy, rather than everyone else.

[ThayNerd[TK]]

Well, everyone has pretty much said what I would have said. But yeah, don't worry about fitting in, do what makes yourself happy. I too cared at one time what people thought and had to conform to what was "the norm", but I wasn't happy as well. Since I have joined the 501st and gotten back into costuming (which I did a lot of when I was younger) I have been so much happier and gotten back the joy that I had when I was little. You know what, people like me more now for my unusual qwirks! Yeah I'm the Star Wars guy to everyone but you know what it makes me happy and people except you if they are really your friend. Enjoy the ride and do what makes you happy.

[TK-1422]

I'm 41 now, and I was a nerd in middle school, then popular in high school (like you). I pretty much got along with everyone and have a kind of chameleon personality, adapting to who I'm around at the moment. When I started the 501st thing, I was ribbed by friends and co-workers, but it soon wore off and they liked the fact that we do good for kids. I started collecting way too much Star Wars stuff, which pretty much fills my living room. I'm starting to pare that down a bit, but I never regretted getting into armor (just finding the suits I wanted to wear was the hard part).

 

I have good friends now and surround myself with good people. People will accept your interests if you accept theirs - nothing is different about hobbies.

 

It sounds as if you may be a little depressed, not knowing where your life is going or if you'll ever be happy. I'm afraid to say it happens to all of us. I'm going through that a little myself right now. But you have to be yourself and not do what makes others happy - make yourself happy and others will flock to you.

 

We're always here to support you, no matter what you choose to do.

 

Kev

[nice-biscuit]

Being unique is an incredible asset and something you should nurture. Being cool is quite frankly over rated and will fade with gathering maturity as conforming seems to loose it's luster. Everyone likes to be popular, but the friends you gather around you should be people who are like minded and not judgmental. Acquaintances fade and are numerous, but a true friend who can accept you as you are something rare. Wearing a Stormtrooper armour all the time is a bit out there - they are not the most comfortable things. Maybe compromising by wearing an item like the belt like Luke.

I thought playing a musical imstrument was always a great asset.

Being interested in Star Wars isn't nerdy. The last three films suck ( sorry ) and Lucas is not the known for his great script work, but the film is iconic for a reason and borrows on many classical stories. The design work is superlative and has inspired many great film makers of our generation - Jackson and Ridley Scott to name a few. It is one of the things that got me into art, as I wanted to be a matt painter after seeing the making doc on Star Wars. If you haven't already read 'The Fountain Head' I think that clarifies many things connected to being true to yourself and the dull grey masses of conformists.

[missingpieces[501st]]

i skimmed your post and didnt read any replies, BUT at the most basic level: Be yourself and screw the rest. so many people think that they are the "only one" like this or worry about others opinions (you should, but to a degree..a small degree). trust me, be true to yourself and you'll find and make better friends than you would being fake.

 

cheers!

[Ph1l2007]

Hey guys thank you for all of responses. I really appreciate your words of advice, and the fact that you all were willing to listen to my personal problem. It is really great to have a community like FISD where you can talk about yourself and people won't judge you. It's really helped.

[TK8776 jgarrettg]

I just turned 43. I've been going through this transition a little late in life. I think what spurred it on for me was watching my kids raise their kids. (Yes, I'm a young Grandfather.) I saw them so wrapped up in unimportant things that they were missing the joy their children were living. Even worse they were trying to wring the joy out of them. I realized that the only "real" people I know are under 8 years old or act like it. There is nothing more important than realizing that the only thing worth living for is the simple joys in life. My Grand kids are teaching me this.

 

Today, I am ashamed that I was so lost for so long. Live your life Phil. Find and live the joy. If your friends can't deal with it then let them go. You will find new friends that share your joy and your life will be that much better for it.

[tk0000[501st]]

1.Respect and accept others differences.

2.We all see things differently.

3.I would suggest volunteering at a local animal shelter. You will make the best friends you have ever had and feel good about helping them.

4.Stick to your guns and be you above all else.

[Stomper]

I'm 41, was always the "fat kid", had buck teeth and was always the brunt of jokes growing up... then I started to come into my own in High School. I got braces at 14, started to lose the baby fat, grew a head (or two) taller, put on muscle mass, wound up bigger, meaner, and tougher than my childhood tormentors, plus most of them are now pot-bellied, bald, low-skilled workers. Most of them have mellowed with age, so its all good... but it's nice to know that I could easily break any one of them into three easy pieces if I chose too...

 

I did 8 hard core years in the U.S. Army, been around the world three times doing Uncle Sam's "bidding", completed the 2 week Air Assault school with a seriously messed up knee/leg during the ENTIRE legnth of the course that finished with a 10-mile, fast paced, forced road march (in full combat gear) by sheer will power/determination alone, & finished my "career" as an Infantry Drill Sergeant. I'm on my 3rd marriage, have 3 kids from a prior marriage, and 3 step-kids who have a dead-beat father.... and yes I shell out $1,000 a month to the ex-wife on top of it all.

 

I have had many good friends (that have come and gone) during all of those phases of my life. I have developed an internal fortitude that I draw from that has gotten me through to the end that I survived (a miracle by itself), plus I'm just a mean-a$$ed ground-pounder S.O.B. Through it all I have realized that people/friends come and go, but you and your family are forever. Those who are worth a dam will appreciate you for YOU, all others aren't worth your time or angst.

 

One major key to life is BALANCE! Sure, you might like to wear eccentric clothing fashions... go for it, but if you want a decent job do you think you should show up for an interview wearing Superman underwear as a suit, and purple sneakers, with all kinds of fishing tackle hanging off your face? Probably not. It's a "balance thing", being true to yourself, but also showing respect to others, or showing respect for an event/situation like a job interview.

 

Another thing about balance, for instance some folks take the Star Wars hobby to lofty heights of extreme. It defines them and they obsess over every STUPID, VAPID detail... discussing and extrapolating on things as silly as the manufacturer of the E-11, the number of bumps on a crapily made movie-prop Stormtrooper helmet worn in Tunisia, and how many flippin' grains of sand were embedded in the left tear drop/trapezoid and so forth.... like it's real, or even matters. If that is what some folks are into and it makes them happy that's fine, but they are limited to the type (and number) of folks that can/will relate to them.

 

Always keep this in mind... if YOU are paying your own bills, and nobody else... tell them to suck eggs!!! Some of the most interesting people are those who didn't know what they wanted to do until they were in their 40's. You have just begun, and in 20 years you'll look back and be glad you know what you know... and wish you knew it back then.

 

 

Plus what Nathan said earlier... oh yeah, and don't start up with the anime thing again... I hate that goofy stuff! <_<

 

 

 

All things aside, the one piece of advice I can give that will truly help you in your life... wear sunscreen.

 

 

Watch this video:

 

 

 

 

Hope that helps!